Grass Stains

8:32pm: Godel -how fun is that?
So, I'm reading a book by Douglas Hofstadter called "I am a Strange Loop" (because "I is a strange loop" is a grammatical trainwreck -the way the choice of title changes the meaning, but really doesn't, well, it describes the book extremely well. Great title.)

Anyway, he's writing about his adventures through the mind of Godel and his fabulous treatment of Russell and Whitehead's Principia Mathematica. I'm getting the PM, what is that..third or fourth hand? I tried it once straight and it was so boring! I much prefer it with some layers -like french cuisine :).

So, I gather that Godel developed a numerical code for the axioms of the PM that tidily assigned a unique number to every theorem by tying every symbol to a unique exponent and the position in the equation to a prime number, which would serve as the base of the exponent. To generate the number, you just do all the multiplication and viola! What fun! as long as you have some supercomputer to do all that boring prime multiple number generating. Godel must have seemed utterly insane to his relatives doing that!

That means if you have the number, you can work backwards and "decode" (Douglas' word) the theorem.

So, after some alot of multiplying, he'd have a set of numbers that all "CODE A TRUTH"!!

Oh, the Pythagorean Mystics must be rolling over in their graves! If only they'd had set theory!

It makes me wonder if finding things like the Fibonacci sequence and natural e embedded so deeply in the natural world is some kind of code for "the truth." But, where is nature's decoder ring? and where is the lexicon?

I suppose we could ask the Hebrew numerologists -did they have a universal primer in there? The name of God perhaps?

Who needs science fiction? The world is an astounding place :)

11:00pm: http://fruitsnake.com/gallery/thumbnails.php?album=25

Here are some pictures from this summer.

1:33pm: Mommy'n'Daddy'n'Baby makes 3 in the Family
Having a baby is the most amazing thing I've ever gotten to do. He's so wonderful.

I'm such a mommy -I've cut back my hours and wrapped up my business for the year, so I'm almost a dedicated stay at home mom and I've definitely go mommybrain. I am terminally chipper and have developed a streaming monologue that accompanies almost every part of my day. I think I talk to little W even in my sleep.

We moved barely 3 weeks before he was born in to a 3rd floor apt. with 2 bedrooms. Everyone who saw us was all worried -and I suppose it did look pretty scary. I got pretty large with the last 2 months. But I'd been running my business all summer, so I hadn't lost any mobility and I was in fine shape. I didn't bound up the stair like I might have without him and many things I couldn't pick up and carry because the belly was physically in the way, but with much help from some fantastic friends we got moved in just a couple of days. We were not quite entirely unpacked when he was born. But, we were all ready for him :).

Big switch from our duplex with the back yard, but we have more space and a fireplace! It's awesome. We only got a 6 mo lease, though, because in Dec we're moving out to my mom's new property! We're buying property just around the corner from hers and we're building a house there for ourselves while we squat with mom. Our house will go up next spring and we will move eihter next fall or the year after. I'm so excited. We'll have our own home on 5 acres with timber and lots of arable land.

A got a call the day W was born with an offer for a better job -they gave him a much better salary, room for advancement, and benefits! He took the offer and spent the first mo. of W.'s life enduring his old boss trying desparately to keep him, while berating him constantly for being disloyal and untrustworthy by abandoning him -it was not too pretty. In the end his boss got it under control and A just quietly let it all go so the parted on good terms. A spent the second mo. of W.'s life driving an hr to DM and back to train in the training store. With the 10 hr shifts, A was really worn out.

A's message to all the kids out there is this: Don't have a baby, move, and change to a new job at the same time. Try to do these things one at a time.

A is my Hero. He was the best birth partner ever! I really couldn't have done it without him. He was my champion when we were moving -there was so much I couldn't take care of -he stepped in and picked up the slack. Since W's been born, A has even been helping with housework to keepthis place clean for W despite 10 hr shifts trying to get his feet under him at a new job.

Now he has FFXII, though and a big easy chair to lounge in when he plays. Things are finally relatively settled, and we'll have only a brief respite before we have to pack it all up and get resettled out at Mom's. Then we go gang busters on our own digs. When Will is 2 hopefully we will be permanently situated :). Won't that be novel? We will never have plans to move again. I've never in my life lived anywhere that I didn't intend to move out of. Even my parent's house -I grew up knowing I would move out after highschool.

Now I get to keep the things I build. I get to change my home and not worry that I'm passing it on to someone else. I get to run long-term experiments in the back yard and not worry that the landlord will flip out. I get to be in charge of how the land is treated. I can make things and build things and knock them down if I don't like them and try again! I get to stay.

My baby will be able to just run his little legs off safe and snuggly in his big back yard. I can sunbathe naked :)

12:43am: Pregnant!
We're Pregnant! I think anyone who knows me and is reading this already knows, but it's the first thing I ever have to say anymore :).

And, subsequently, I'm an emotional trainwreck -at least I'll blame pregnancy until August. Then I'll blame...um...oh, I Know! Post-Partem Depression!

I feel like all my emotional states have crashed off their tracks into a hopeless jumble of goods and traincar parts all fused together from the heat generated by the speed and viciousness of the pile-up. I got my happy in my anxious! It's not good like reeses :(.

Emotional states have devolved into a random parade of wild and flamboyant episodes trailing around my psyche in an endless meandering stream. None the less, I continue to draw information from my emotional reactions near things in my world (I can no longer justify that I respond TO things in my world -just that I am NEAR them when I emote). I considered ditching emotionally-based information and found it impossile. I'll just have to work with this random data and see how it goes. Maybe I can develop a whole new alternative to logic to accompany it. Perhaps I'll be able to see the Future with my new tools! Like Nostradamus! Did he have an emotional trainwreck? I doubt he had a pregnancy...

1:25am: What do you know...I'm nuts!
The hitherto fabled response I weakly alluded to one time long ago in a comment to kalab

kalab
Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005

"I cannot agree with this because it denies responsibility to the amoral, effectively making them non-entities as far as choice in their actions is concerned. At the same time, people who choose to act morally are not to be commended or emulated in any way as they are not doing anything particularly worthwhile. They are simply acting normally. They get stuck with all the responsibility and free will while the nasty people get off scott-free."

So, it turns out that my innocent-looking, rainbows and kittens take on forgiveness actually logically leads me to this. Thanks, C. for pointing that out. It never occurred to me that I believed what you're saying here -but I do. And I end up taking too much responsibility and not enough credit. This gets me screwed at work all the time. I was so sure it was some problem, some belief I had, that was causing me the problem. I kept getting teamed up with the most heinously irresponsible people. Guess I should have turned off that neon sign that says "Sure, dump your shit here -I feel I have an obligation to clean it up without complaining or even asking for a little credit..."

Huh.

So, does this mean I could use a little moral superiority in my life? Maybe so. I spent a long time dwelling on your post -probably all just because of that one sneaky paragraph. And, subsequently dwelt on morality as well. I'm thinking that morally superiority still doesn't sit well with me -but you are definitely right about the need to pass judgment on the moral value expressed by others. It definitely needs to be incorporated into our reactions to them -if for nothing else than to avoid screwing ourselves out of blind faith in the goodness of others as I have.

I'm thinking maybe I'd like to ditch the notion of superiority in favor of health -or something like it. I think our garden variety classic Nicomacian or Kantian ethic hinges on an authoritarian interpretation of the Good. (I've been reading Nietzsche -and it's about to really start showing here). Good and Bad are obviously more complicated notions than we'd like. They're highly contextual and difficult -if not impossible- to adequately define. We basically require an authority of some sort to identify untimately for us the Good and the Bad. We are not ourselves -as evidenced by our actions en masse- equipped to identify this quality accuratey in time to apply the knowledge to an immanent moral dilemma. In retrospect, we may feel fairly certain we've missed, but how? when? why? Or we're certain we've pegged it, only to hear that others wholly disagree. We require an authority to hand to us a code. That's been the standard escape from this quandry. I think, though, that it's a false security since we're still stuck interepreting the intentions and directions of said authority. I think our notion of moral superiority propagates directly from this. We have a single perfect morality (that of the authority) that we're all trying to achieve. This means we can guage our progress against each other and decide that we are closer to the ideal than others. We've climbed higher on the ladder to perfection than the other guy.

What if, instead, morality -the right, or good action- were indicated to us simply by the presence of consequences? Here we are still, of course, stuck with the job of interpreting and still quite liable to make mistakes, but our mistakes become trials on our world and our needs. Each failure brings us that much closer to getting what we want. When we end up in a moral dilemma maybe we need to ask ourselves which action creates the world we want to live in and which action creates the bed you don't want to lay in. Senseless violence is very upsetting to others and messy. It ruins things and alienates people. You end up alone in a broken place. Not the way to build yourself a healthy and nurturing environment. Really the way to build yourself a little hell on earth. Like Hitler did.

Then again, maybe this is too "Everybody gets what's coming to them...eventually..." But, I'm ok with that for now. In my experience, this is actually quite true. I'll revisit it if it continues to get me screwed :).

So, now I should definitely rush on to prematurely apply my not-quite-fully-formed concept of moral health my favorite moral offender, Dick Cheney. Is it moral to start a war with another soverign nation under false pretenses and pursue it at the cost of lives in order to harvest more wealth out of a slowly failing economic system? Ok, no -we see the negative consequences of that. Obvious question is, Does Cheney? We must assume not for some reason. If we could sort that out, maybe we could convince him his reasons aren't enough to condemn thousands to horrible deaths. Maybe he still goes in blindly -next question is when does he get that monster bite in the ass? He's just rich as sin now...I'd say his bite in the ass is that he has to live for the rest of his life knowing he started a War -for money. That can't make for a healthy psyche. Which of us is right? Is Cheney creating a healthier place for himself than I? I rather think not. But, before I label myself morally superior, I'll label myself healthier. Maybe Cheney is all fat and happy with his situation -thinks he is the picture of health (we'll assume the frequent trips to the hospital are unrelated to his morality and more a factor of his age).

I like this better -I can still feel good about myself about the type and level of health I have achieved. It's not just SOP or what I should be able to do. But, I don't look at people not doing as well and think I have their answers or I'm smarter, better, more moral than them. I just think I have My sitution figured out. How would I handle theirs? Maybe not as well as they've managed. All I can do is offer them a view from outside their perspective and hope another angle will help them sort it out. If they have the comment box out, and I have a comment, I can offer it. Otw, I go about my business and they go about theirs. Where our paths cross it's like dealing with traffic, or rain during your parade. The choices of other people become just one more force of nature in your world. It makes us all responsible for ourselves. No more and no less. Further, our situations are not directly comprable. The closest thing I can do is say I'm doing better with what I got dished than that guy's doing with his. How would we do with each others? There's no point in even asking that question in this system. It's a moot point.

Here's another aspect of moral superiority -Do you think if you are morally superior -like when you make better choices than the rapist- that since you have the info (e.g. you figured out what they obviously haven't), you have an obligation to share that with them? A duty to your community to use your gift of better judgment to the benefit of all? In other words, does moral superiority bind you to in some fashion address the moral shortcomings of others? I feel like it does, but I'm totally basing that on an emotion, not a logical progression.

With Great Power comes Great Responsibility...
-Uncle Ben

What do you think?

I think the concept of moral health needs to percolate a little longer, myself *grin* It's still pretty weak.

*yawn* done, Good Night

9:06pm: Awesome Art in this quiz!
You Are Absinthe!
You have a unique personality. Although most like you, sometimes you take some getting used to. You can be a bit strong. You are full of energy and sometimes flamboyant. You are the life of the party but if people are not careful you can knock them on their ass.

What Naughty My Little Pony Are You?

11:50pm: And Another fun one NomadBeth found somewhere :)

Monk You scored 60 Holy, 55 Tactful, 100 Natural, and 50 Arcane!

Awkward at low levels, an unstoppable juggernaught at high levels, you are the monk. I think an honest attempt was made to make the kind of monks you always see in those awesome movies from China, but really, they came up with something pretty weird here. You are so in tune with the natural harmonies of this world that you can destroy *anything*... sure, you can hit for subdual damage, but where's the fun in that? At the end of the battle the fighter wipes his sword clean of blood and resheaths it feeling pretty hard-core... until he looks over at you and sees you standing in a pile of maimed and unconscious bodies, completely unarmed, and entriely placid-faced... Fighter: "Well fought, Brother Learned Fist! Ha ha!" *said ill-at-ease* Monk: "There, in the trees... a baby morning dove just took it's first flight while I was disembowleing this ogre with my quivering-toenail... so beautiful... or did you not notice?" Your main function in the party is to keep things a little awkward for everyone else.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 80% on Godliness You scored higher than 57% on Tact You scored higher than 95% on Harmony You scored higher than 38% on Arcane

Link: The Which D & D Class am I Test written by effataigus on Ok Cupid

11:35pm: Kipped from Silentvoid
This Quizzilla quiz is a really neat one!


You are Dha-shi-zhi!
A female bodhisattva of Chinese Buddhism, whose name means the Strongest. Through the power of her love she managed to break the circle of rebirth for everyone. In the heavenly paradise the souls appear before her in the shape of flowers.
<src="http://home.pacbell.net/lcng/butterflydream.mid"loop=100>


Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

11:04pm: This started out as a reply to GoatGirl's post on Forgivness, but...hee hee Forgive me! My Soapbox Rant! that it turned into.

Here it is for anybody with interest:
Love, you have a Very good point here. I think that Forgivness, like Guilt, Sorrow, Anger, and Regret (to highlight a few) have been sorely abused by our culture. Negative emotions and feelings have been mercilessly used by Social powers like the government, commercial campaigns, and especially mass religions to forward their own causes -which upon close inspection have no relation to your personal mental health. This abuse leaves us with seriously twisted concepts about these emotions. I do my best to dismiss all my preconcieved notions about negative emotions and replace them with the notion that emotional sensations serve the same purpose as physical sensations -they're feelers and info gatherers about our world.

I think a good way to find a new path to understanding forgivness is to start with that moral superiority thing. I can't abide feeling morally superior to someone else. It's so obviously a ridiculous position! -for a long time I could not forgive because I felt like I was putting myself above them. Instead I just tried to understand what was going on in that other person's shoes -to do this you have to be ready to accept that it's all about them and has nothing to do with you -A low self esteem will hold you up here for a long time. Look for the wall they ran into, the muck they've got their feet in...their weakness -we all have things we're good at and things we're bad at -what are theirs? Don't expect it to make sense. It's not what makes sense for them to have done, but what Did they Do? What mental circle are they running in? No one reasons their way past their most heart-felt hang-ups. When you get in their headspace a little you start to generate compassion for them. You start to see a little how they got to the place to do that. For most of us, life is a struggle of self mastery. Remember your perp is not his master yet -not "perfect" or whatever. He screwed up -sure, and the questions are why? how? what's got him so confused, so confounded, so scared? He's trying to figure out the same thing, but he doesn't have the benefit of your external perspective. Can you see better? You get sympathy for them -ultimately your concern shifts from you to them. This is part of the process, I think, that heals your heart. You learn more about how to support them without risking harm to yourself. You start to figure out that the question isn't whether you can trust them, but, in what way do you trust them. Like, trust a pig to fly and you will always end up betrayed. Learn to trust him instead to find truffles. And again, maybe the pig's not good at self-analysis and is sure he can fly... And, forgivness is a feeling you get -letting you know that you're on the right track -like joy and love, NOT something you Decide to Do. So, go mucking around in the head and heart of the perpetrator. When you start to feel that lightening, sympathy, compassion, and understanding, I think then you are forgiving. Manage to do this once, even in a small case, and you can start to feel what forgivness is, can see the difference between it and it's twisted, but popular counterpart. And for the Goddess's sake, don't waste your time beating yourself up just cause you aren't as good at it as Jesus -or whoever. You're learning to master yourself in another small way -just like them.

Or, you can do it the American way -get yourself a nice, tall, sturdy alabaster pedistal (The mother teresa 2000 model is popular). Climb on board. Look cooly down your nose at the other person and simply decare them icily forgiven for their lowly immoral actions -how could they know better since they aren't nearly as awesome and morally perfect as you? Meanwhile, wrap some lovely, perfectly white flowing robes around all the wounds and other painful things you can't understand -the forgiving are healed...right? Add some posing and mood lighting, and you might even fool yourself.

Most of all, Sweetheart, trust yourself. You are full of love and compassion. You hurt and you heal. Life goes this way. You've got it covered. We can't insure ourselves against pain and sorrow. We can't be certain that all things we bring into our lives will be only good. We don't get to know. We pick and choose as best we can and deal with what we get. You have Always Dealt Very Well with what life throws at you. Have some faith in your track record. You Make Good Decisions and you Handle Bad Situations Well. Your History attests to it. You're set; you're good; relax, and look to him with calmness and clarity.

1:30pm:
H:

Your Beauty lies
in Serenity. Calm, inspiring, and nearly always
level-headed. You have a
peaceful appearance, people know they can trust you
and come to you for advice.
You probably have a soothing and beautiful voice to
match you and you are seen
as a mature, motherly figure. You don't show much
emotion which may make you
appear emotionless and distant at times, but you
are most likely a very
empathetic individual. You keep your head in bad
situations and are calm even in
good ones. You probably wear more flowing clothing
in light pastel colors and
one of your most beautiful feature is your smooth
and young face. Some people
may even be inspired simply by your presence, you
would make a great mediator or
negotiator as people know they can trust and count
on you for a peaceful
solution.</font>

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element:
Water, Wind Animal: Swan Color:
Blues, Greens, Pastels Song:
Only Time by Enya Expression: Reassuring
Smile

Gemstone:
Amethyst Mythological Creature: Elfin Kind
Planet: Neptune
Hair Color: Light Blonde Eye Color:
Blue

Quote:
"Peace and trust take years to build and
seconds to shatter."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

5:33pm: Why the Anxiety?
So, Adam and I are doing fine. I love being married to him :). Our home is very comfortable. Our lives are very comfortable. I still have my 3 jobs -and would rather have one good one, but it will come. I have some good leads and no reason to hurry. I know I just need to give these things some time. And I like all 3 of my current jobs.

I have great relationships with friends and family -and enough time to enjoy them. Everyone is basically happy and healthy. We live pampered lives and I'm enjoying it. And when I curl up with my loving husband in our soft, warm, cozy bed at night and fall asleep, I have intense anxiety dreams all night. They come in many flavors, but the most confounding are the school-related ones. I'm Graduated -with 2 degrees! If I bother to get a third, I know I will be stuck in academia. There are Very Few jobs not academic for phd's in plant science in the midwest. The entire time I was in school I had ONE anxiety dream. And, it was about everything Except School! Now, all night I don't know what class I'm supposed to be in. I don't know what's going on in the class where I am sitting. I don't know what my schedule is or how to find out. No one around me can help me even tho they try, cause I am too clueless. And, I do need help. All I know is I'm failing and I have no idea how to change it. And, I can't get out of school! I clench my teeth until my jaw locks and wake up with heinous headaches. I grind my teeth and wake up my poor, hard-working husband with the noise. During the day I'm restless. Goatgirl -as usual with her wicked sharp ability to catch the heart of the matter -totally described the way I feel -Like I am not where I should be.

But, where should I be? What is wrong with what I have? What is wrong with what I'm doing? Of course, only I can answer that question. No one around me can help me even tho they try, cause I am too clueless. And I do need help.

I'll try volunteering...and maybe a hobby...an exercise routine?...meditation...maybe I just need some really good ice creame.

11:00pm: Life in Ames
so, Adam and I got Married.

We moved back to Iowa where it is sunny and the air holds heat :).

I got some part time jobs gardening and secretarying. Adam got a fast food job -it's a good one where he'll get management experience and everything.

We have a little apartment.

And we are making costumes for Halloween. We will be the Mad Hatter and Cheshire Cat -provided the pleather cooperates with me.

2:51pm: Where am I going?
I have no idea where I'm going. -there. I said it.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what the hell is going on. The world is led by people who, from my point of view, are certifiably insane and in need of serious and protracted medical attention.

I'm not young anymore -I'm 28 this year. In my youth, I trusted older people to guide and educate me. I never considered that they could be wrong, that they were hiding the truth from me. Important truths -not just things I wasn't yet ready for -I never thought they would steer me towards a brick wall -or ask me to walk the plank with the other lemmings. They all claimed to know better than that. They had various sorts of "evidence" to support them -degrees, incomes, accomplishments...They had "proof" that they had each avoided these pitfalls and could tell me how. They shared with me the secrets to getting these things -and I dutifully traded more than I had to them for the honor of their wisdom. I traded on my own future -put myself in debt based on the false promise that their wisdom would deliver to me more than what I gave.

But, it didn't -and it doesn't. We are entering a failing workforce -competing with people displaced from their jobs -competing with the those who promised to nurture our budding careers -not squash them for thier own benefit. We were educated in skills so specialized that only serve to railroad us to the positions not desired by those already in place. And we are now expected to take these far less beneficial positions with gratitude and struggle to pay back our debts despite it. Quietly if you please.

I feel like I have explored the paths they set me on end to end -and not found what they promised was here -the more I look, the more I see that their "evidence" was propaganda, too. That the great lie is that no one achieves these things merely by following others -by paying for a tidily packaged good life. The lie is that they do not really know the secret to a good life and cannot really teach me to help save the world -to do meaningful work -the lie is that they do not know themselves how to do this -they too have failed. The lie is sad and true and deep in their hearts -they too enslaved themselves to this lie and they have enslaved me in turn because they must -to convince themselves that they have achieved -that their hard work was not all for nothing. It is a strong and subtle lie perpetuated for generations -and like any lie festering it has grown worse. And in our turn, it has been handed to us. What will we do? Will we continue to buy it? Take the glorified clerical jobs called by attractive titles? Spend all our days diligently constructing our own "evidence" -knowing in our hearts it is hollow? Knowing it will only serve to sucker in our children's generation? To keep choosing between one insane person and another as leaders of our country?

I feel utterly unprepared for this lie. I spend my youth building my knowledge on it -and have nothing in my carefully prepared arsenal now to combat it. It will take me apart with everyone else.

What do we do? Do we eat our hamburgers and drive our cars and watch our president commit genocide? Let our leaders lie to us and use our resources to placate us with prescription drugs and outrageous forms of entertainment. The people of ancient Greece did this. The people of Rome did this. And, then in turn, the people of the British empire. Will we bow to this fate or make and end to it.

I will look for a way to end it -in my life. I will look for a good and happy life I build for myself. I will arm my children as best I can with an understanding of self -in case they should come to a place where all other things are false, as I have.

I wonder what it will be like...

2:28pm: Kipped from Goatgirl
http://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/Your.cfm

The influence of Becky makes you positive, self-assertive, and independent. You can be creative, inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, such as handicrafts. When you have the opportunity to pursue your own goals and interests free from interference, you can feel very agreeable and express a buoyant optimism. On the other hand, you can be impulsive and forceful when opposed, and act without due forethought and discretion. Hence you have many bitter experiences and generally rather unsettled conditions in your life, with little progress and financial accumulation. You cannot tolerate any domination by others, or circumstances that restrict your freedom and independence. You are inclined to make changes abruptly in your life as an escape from such conditions.

The name of Rebecca creates a friendly, sociable, charming nature, but causes you to be too easily influenced by others. While you find it easy to meet and mix, and can appear agreeable and compromising in conversation, you can become unbending and forceful if pressed too far. Others learn that you cannot be told what to do and you seldom change your mind once it is made up. You prefer situations that allow a degree of independence, but are reluctant to take on a demanding work-load or responsibility.

Your name of Barefoot has given you an idealistic nature with a desire to help others. Your initiative often causes you to be the first to act when you see a need. Since you are impressionable and receptive, you feel the misfortunes of others very keenly. However, this name makes it awkward for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings with finesse and diplomacy to the extent that your candid, sometimes blunt, manner of speaking creates misunderstandings with others. Being somewhat self-centred, you learn through your own experiences, as you rarely take advice from others. Yet, you are sensitive and very easily hurt and offended. You long for praise and appreciation for your efforts, but others find it difficult to understand you.

huh.

5:11pm: A gift from MATH -on soft determinism
My most excellent and loving Fiancee, Adam, today told me the story behind a PSII game he recently finished, called "dotHack."

The story is an interesting mix of foibles and accidents of the modern world and a most basic Creatrix myth. As I considered his tale, a new thought happened upon me. Seven points define our place in space -and likewise seven complementary points define our "place" in time. Descriptions of 3-D space come in sets of 3 when based on a boundless space and a point of origin, or sets of 4 when set in a bounded space and delineating an area.

In a space, you can move along any of 3 axes. This gives you six choices -two of which are strictly confined (up and down) by the other things and laws of the space -four of which are essentially infinite choices -tho, of course if you do them long enough you end up where you started. But, that you can still continue to choose that direction regardless, is the point. Motions up and down are specifically limited by the nature of space itself (curvature, being the crucial characteristic here). The seventh choice is to remain where you are. -which is the joinder of the system. Its the impossible moment. While you have chosen to remain on the two free axes, you are essentially both moving at every possible speed up to and including infinitely fast and not at all on the third -again, a mathematical artefact of the curvature of space. Forever falling and rising -forces are largely in dynamic equilibrium, due to the gradient between "denser space" (or mass) and "sparser space" (or void). Here is one avatar in the world, one allegory, one mere example, one manifestation through which we can grasp the impossible balance point in which the sum total life and consciousness exist. All things are actually in some way At That Point -in the Eye of the Needle -Where you find at once the smallest division where you are practically non existent expressly because you are everything. You are the total of all the synapses firing chemical signals in your body -but you are none of these actually -you are the connection of them, the impossible and unthinklbly infantesimal moment in between these mechanations. You exist in the one impossible place where completely random chance and utter inevitability are perfectly wed. Where our lives are the flow of a river -composed of countless drops of water which together do not account for the flow -we are guided by the Karmic banks to meld at utter loss of identity and purpose in the ocean -perhaps to for some time be part of the greatest currents of the world -or to be swept back up into the sky carried in fragmented freedom and set back down to well up again. Destined, and yet a statistical randomness determines the shape of this fate. Is then free will manifested in chance? in ramdomness? Is the heizenberg uncertainty principle the source of free will? What, then is center?, what is identity? Perhaps, it the decision -the moment within the moment...within this moment, I exist.

Then I see it this way: Just as we have choices in the bounds of space, so do we have choices in the bounds of time, the laws of consequence and causal chains. We cannot but move both forward and be still in time. We are where we are in time and we are bounded by its nature to feel it slipping ever past. Just as we are inextricably bound on that axis experiencing all motions and one, we are utter free on the other two. We have a complete 360 degrees of choice in the inevitable path we follow thrugh time.

Praise MATH, he would guide us not, but his gifts will light the Way.

2:23pm: I'm doomed for sure

Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Barefoot7224's Syndrome
Cause:	dancing
Symptoms:	phantom pregnancy, abdominal pain, extremely memory loss
Cure:	fresh air
Enter your name, for your own diagnosis:

2:14pm: it's funny cause it's true

You as a WoD vampire by Jackob
Your Name
Clan	Tremere
Generation	7
Sect	Camarilla
Favored Discipline	Quietus
Name of Sire	Jürgen
Cause of Final Death	Attempted to summon a demon... and succeeded.
Last Words
Created with quill18's MemeGen 3.0!

12:16pm: Looking for a little Space
My world overflows.

I know a dark brilliance at the center of myself -a blade of grass, full of life and green will to grow -ready to stain with the mark of its passing, an ephemeral gesture gone in a flash -eternally burstiing and growing and passing away.

I know a sparkling darkness living just past sight -a tree struggling with majesty in ponderance and patient to persist, even to pass so slowly leaving a hard history of very battle as it fades.

All hanging in a vast endlessness -the threads of a gossomar web so delicate and undeniable -clustered and connected strung impossibly thin -it spins weave like music floating to caress and bind, to build and harmonize, and crescendos to the symphony of accidents in an apple blossom or in me.

and i take another breath