Where am I going?
I have no idea where I'm going. -there. I said it.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what the hell is going on. The world is led by people who, from my point of view, are certifiably insane and in need of serious and protracted medical attention.

I'm not young anymore -I'm 28 this year. In my youth, I trusted older people to guide and educate me. I never considered that they could be wrong, that they were hiding the truth from me. Important truths -not just things I wasn't yet ready for -I never thought they would steer me towards a brick wall -or ask me to walk the plank with the other lemmings. They all claimed to know better than that. They had various sorts of "evidence" to support them -degrees, incomes, accomplishments...They had "proof" that they had each avoided these pitfalls and could tell me how. They shared with me the secrets to getting these things -and I dutifully traded more than I had to them for the honor of their wisdom. I traded on my own future -put myself in debt based on the false promise that their wisdom would deliver to me more than what I gave.

But, it didn't -and it doesn't. We are entering a failing workforce -competing with people displaced from their jobs -competing with the those who promised to nurture our budding careers -not squash them for thier own benefit. We were educated in skills so specialized that only serve to railroad us to the positions not desired by those already in place. And we are now expected to take these far less beneficial positions with gratitude and struggle to pay back our debts despite it. Quietly if you please.

I feel like I have explored the paths they set me on end to end -and not found what they promised was here -the more I look, the more I see that their "evidence" was propaganda, too. That the great lie is that no one achieves these things merely by following others -by paying for a tidily packaged good life. The lie is that they do not really know the secret to a good life and cannot really teach me to help save the world -to do meaningful work -the lie is that they do not know themselves how to do this -they too have failed. The lie is sad and true and deep in their hearts -they too enslaved themselves to this lie and they have enslaved me in turn because they must -to convince themselves that they have achieved -that their hard work was not all for nothing. It is a strong and subtle lie perpetuated for generations -and like any lie festering it has grown worse. And in our turn, it has been handed to us. What will we do? Will we continue to buy it? Take the glorified clerical jobs called by attractive titles? Spend all our days diligently constructing our own "evidence" -knowing in our hearts it is hollow? Knowing it will only serve to sucker in our children's generation? To keep choosing between one insane person and another as leaders of our country?

I feel utterly unprepared for this lie. I spend my youth building my knowledge on it -and have nothing in my carefully prepared arsenal now to combat it. It will take me apart with everyone else.

What do we do? Do we eat our hamburgers and drive our cars and watch our president commit genocide? Let our leaders lie to us and use our resources to placate us with prescription drugs and outrageous forms of entertainment. The people of ancient Greece did this. The people of Rome did this. And, then in turn, the people of the British empire. Will we bow to this fate or make and end to it.

I will look for a way to end it -in my life. I will look for a good and happy life I build for myself. I will arm my children as best I can with an understanding of self -in case they should come to a place where all other things are false, as I have.

I wonder what it will be like...