barefoot7224 ([info]barefoot7224) wrote,
@ 2005-02-07 17:33:00
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Current mood: discontent
Current music:radio gibberish

Why the Anxiety?
So, Adam and I are doing fine. I love being married to him :). Our home is very comfortable. Our lives are very comfortable. I still have my 3 jobs -and would rather have one good one, but it will come. I have some good leads and no reason to hurry. I know I just need to give these things some time. And I like all 3 of my current jobs.

I have great relationships with friends and family -and enough time to enjoy them. Everyone is basically happy and healthy. We live pampered lives and I'm enjoying it. And when I curl up with my loving husband in our soft, warm, cozy bed at night and fall asleep, I have intense anxiety dreams all night. They come in many flavors, but the most confounding are the school-related ones. I'm Graduated -with 2 degrees! If I bother to get a third, I know I will be stuck in academia. There are Very Few jobs not academic for phd's in plant science in the midwest. The entire time I was in school I had ONE anxiety dream. And, it was about everything Except School! Now, all night I don't know what class I'm supposed to be in. I don't know what's going on in the class where I am sitting. I don't know what my schedule is or how to find out. No one around me can help me even tho they try, cause I am too clueless. And, I do need help. All I know is I'm failing and I have no idea how to change it. And, I can't get out of school! I clench my teeth until my jaw locks and wake up with heinous headaches. I grind my teeth and wake up my poor, hard-working husband with the noise. During the day I'm restless. Goatgirl -as usual with her wicked sharp ability to catch the heart of the matter -totally described the way I feel -Like I am not where I should be.

But, where should I be? What is wrong with what I have? What is wrong with what I'm doing? Of course, only I can answer that question. No one around me can help me even tho they try, cause I am too clueless. And I do need help.

I'll try volunteering...and maybe a hobby...an exercise routine?...meditation...maybe I just need some really good ice creame.


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[info]mithril_phoenix
2005-02-12 10:35 am UTC (link)
mmm iceie cream.... sounds good right now. i want warm ice cream. that would be an invention worth having. warm icecream. not melty ice cream, but like ice cream in all its goodness but warm and solid.

maybe i just want a brownie.

the feelings of disorganization, being lost, and confusion are certainly common, especially when you finally feel like you've got things sorted out.

the world's not supposed to make sense, or be calm, so when it finally is, even if only for a brief time, we get instinctively paranoid about what we're missing. it's the dissatisfaction in paradise tendency, or more commonly known as "it's quiet... too quiet..."

A part of me wonders if, despite your bright nature, you're just not used to actually having a chance to relax for real, and now feel out of place when you can. or as though you shouldn't get to relax and thus you're worried you're missing something that's going/gone wrong.

shrug, don't mind me, i just like overanalyse things.

glad to hear everything else is going well for you though, and it's good to see you post so we way out here know you're doing ok :)

take care.

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